Living in the Wake of Violence

Our Hearts Go Out to the Families in Connecticut

By Gail Conway, M.Ed

 

A young boy interrupts the latest news update about Connecticut shooting, “Mom, I know how all of this is going to end.” Mom audibly gasps not realizing the young boy is listening to the newscast, then holds her breath as she awaits her young boy’s response to his feelings about the people who were shot outside the grocery store. Like many parents coping with the emotional fallout of children exposed to violence, she doesn’t know what to say and says nothing. She expects his answer to echo the seriousness of the situation and fidgets nervously in uncharted parenting territory. The young boy surprisingly says, “I know how this is all going to end. Happily ever after, of course. Like in all stories, bad stuff happens, but it always ends happily ever after.”

Many grown-ups do not realize when they listen to news reports, their youngest children are listening, too. As you can hear from this young boy’s response, young children take in and process information differently. Young children process information based on their minimal life experience, their imaginations and through their senses, what they see, hear, touch and taste. They do not have the capacity to make sense of what they are witnessing. The reality is grown-ups everywhere hope for fairy tale endings when bad things happen, because they find it difficult to “talk” to young children about adult issues using language young children understand.

Connecticut’s shooting serves as a reminder that none of us are immune to exposure to violence. Violence permeates our society. Our tolerance level for withstanding the effects of war, domestic violence, gang violence, bullying, and exposure to the media (regarding these events) has been high. It is important for us to recognize that the emotional fallout from these additional stresses may create more acts of aggression at home or on the playground as unspoken feelings are revealed through actions. Adults may be more adept at talking about their feelings but children act out their feelings. Still others may repress their feelings and become emotionally bankrupt. There are a number of ways for you to combat the emotional fallout from all these fears and create bubbles of security for young children:

 

LIMIT CHILDREN’S EXPOSURE: Turn off the television and limit children’s exposure to media’s depictions of world events and violence. Young children have difficulty discerning the difference between reality and fantasy and do not yet have a grown-up understanding of the concept of time. Consequently, when young children see or hear news reports and video images, they think it is happening again and again the moment it is being broadcast or televised re-exposing them the violent event or images.  If children watch television or overhear adults talking about incidents, it is important for grown-ups to watch with their children to serve as the emotional navigator for the adult issues presented and clarify any misconceptions. Children make sense of what they know from the capable adults around them.

 

LISTEN: Be available to listen to them tell their story in their own way, in their own time, for as long or as often as they may need. Watch children at play. What are they saying? Children are more likely to talk through make-believe characters, dolls, and telephones.

 

LET CHILDREN PLAY: Adults and children talk about real-life issues differently. Adults tend to talk about how they feel whereas children tend to act about how they feel. Give children time each day to act out their feelings through free play. A word about war play: children have a need to play out what they see. They will play this way whether we are watching them or not. Did you ever take away a stick that a child was using as a gun, only to find them replacing the stick with another object or their finger? Facilitated warplay allows children an opportunity to explore the moral issues of good and bad and experiment with their feelings of power and powerlessness as two examples. Giving children a set of rules to partake in this sort of play so they are safe is more productive than prohibiting it. As grown-ups we understand the consequences of someone being shot or the finality of death, children do not, which makes watching, facilitating or allowing this type of play uncomfortable for many of us.

 

ANSWER CHILDREN’S QUESTIONS HONESTLY: Keep in mind young children live in the here and now and are very literal. Choose your words carefully. For example, if a child asks you what dead means and you describe it as going to sleep for a very long time, you may find your child more fearful of going to sleep. Instead you could explain by saying, the parts of the body just stop working. The heart stops beating. The lungs stop breathing. The body is worn out and the person stops being alive. Listen carefully to understand the question they are really asking. No need to provide more information than the child needs to know.

 

BE PATIENT, STAY CALM: Understand that strong emotions are contagious. Children are looking to you as their emotional barometer. Get comfortable with the idea that it is normal for children to express a whole range of emotions including anger and sadness. Learn how to help facilitate children’s strong emotions. Comfort children by holding them and consistently being there for them. Expect they might revert to younger behaviors that are more juvenile in times of stress. Infants and toddlers may stop temporarily practicing newly learned skills such as walking, feeding themselves, toileting, or sleeping on their own or through the night. Be patient, reassure them, hold them in your arms, stay with them.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF/OTHERS: Adults, also, need to make sense of turbulent times. Get support so you can feel safe. It is important for the adults in children’s lives to talk out their fears to other adults NOT the children you care for. It is important for all of us to have someone who will listen to us tell our story, in our own way, in our own time as often as we need and do the same for a friend or family member. Become an active listener. Use conversation extenders such as nodding your head up and down, prompting them to continue by saying, ‘and’, ‘because’, or ‘tell me more”. Refrain from giving well-meaning advice to “help them feel better”. Usually our advice is an attempt to comfort ourselves when we see others in pain. Be comforted in knowing that in telling their story, they are working to help themselves feel better, sooner. Lastly, seek out professionals if your fears do not seem to subside, or if you cannot sleep, eat or find happiness in everyday life activities.